Writing cause its also yapping.

Date - 1 August, 2024.

Hello you, (the only excuse I have for my hiatus is that I’m a foolish woman)

One moment you’re taking a “short break” next thing you know years go by. But hey its like they say, life goes by fast if you don’t stop and buy mangoes when they’re in season you might miss it ~ M. Umar..

Slow mornings and light showers, August true to its reputation comes with a calmness but i’m afraid a Thursday morning is not the best time to cozy up, light a candle and be in bed all day. I wish it was. I so desperately do but it isn’t and that is the reality of things.

Quiet moments like these can be both calming and triggering, do you relax and enjoy the calmness or do you run away from the lingering thoughts of wasting away time and effort? Suddenly the warmth from your socks, sweater and blanket cannot seem to be of much help because a chill has started creeping in.. you have started becoming anxious as to what to decide on. The mind can be quite the jail can it not?

Sometimes it's very hard to exist and fit in, especially when you are in a constant state of thoughts and I’m sure a lot can relate, to be human is to think, to worry, and to panic. this may be why I desperately cling onto peace, calmness, and quiet. Alhamdulilāh.

And as I sit in the quietness of my room I can’t help but think about how different I have become in the span of 7 months😵‍💫, changes that are not immediately apparent but subtle, July in particular came with many emotions. You see at my core I am a curious being, the biggest “indoor potato”, an occasional yapper with a fondness for Islam, sitcoms, romcoms, poetry, sarcasm, psychology, hosting and creativity. I’m also a slave to nostalgia and a very anxious person.

And being the way that I know that because I want better for myself and the people around me I have to force myself every day to take steps towards improvement, so with the deen, with my career, with relationships in general I’m actively deciding to be better and I gotta say it's no walk on the beach. Some days it's very demanding and draining but if I give Into my personality of relaxing and I stop trying to be better that means I’m making the decision to settle for being basic (and basically saying I would rather be stuck drinking garri whereas my mates are drinking strawberry and mango daiquiri… God abeg)

Me realising I can’t even afford garri due to inflation.

Another thing is our personalities do not and should not always go in hand with our dreams or aspirations, in order to become anyone of great value you would need to go through uncomfortable phases of shifts and changes in your life, doing some learning, unlearning, and relearning and that’s fine. you may not see the immediate result of your efforts but I promise you, they’re there and they’re happening. The more difficult the task the more rewarding. It’s funny cause I was scrolling on sōshu media (social media) and I saw a very spot on video about growth and he said;

“As people we have this idea that everything in life is supposed to come naturally, ideas, passions, change and maturity but in truth you’re going to force a lot of things especially if you’re not wired in a way where you’re excited or interested to take on these new responsibilities that are necessary for change and that is why so many people wait for the “perfect moment”, “inspiration” or “motivation” to come and force them to change when in reality that perfect moment might never come because life does not owe you anything”

A typical instance would be what do you do when your life feels like you’re falling off and you go day after day feeling depressed and tired? chasing fake dopamine would never help when really all you need to do is get up, make wudu, and pray. I know that may not be what you think you need at that very moment but taking positive actions towards your life can be extremely hard. I say this as someone who truly gets the struggle.

I hope that we all get the courage to be brave enough to step out of our shells and put ourselves out there, I hope that you realise how special and full of endless potentials you have, I’m sorry if you’re feeling tired from what seems like an endless loop of struggles but just hold on a bit more, you’ll see the result of your efforts soon enough I guaranty it.

Try, fail, learn, try again, repeat as many times as possible but by all means, actively seek to be better. The worst that could happen is failure and there isn’t anyone who hasn’t failed or isn’t failing. All journeys are different and what separates you from others is your ability to learn from mistakes and move forward.

I write these as a reminder to myself first, You can do whatever you “choses” with the information you just read.

Love always, Maryam.